What would you do?

What would you do if you find that you might be without a job? What if your job gets bought out by another company, and they might want to bring in new employees? I am so sick of this day. I am ready for it to be totally over. I am so sick of life sometimes. I am so tired of having to work my butt off for a boss who does appreciate it. I am not looking for recognition. I am only looking for the same respect I give to my boss. I had to call in 3 different days during the ice storm of 2009. Two of those days the daycare was closed, and one day the daycare wouldn't let my oldest daughter stay because she was sick. My boss was so mad at me. I am suprised that I still have a job. I figured that I would have gotten fired today because of last week. Anyone else can call in and their jobs are safe but now mine is on the line. How is that fair? Last time I checked it's not. Now I am catching the same crap that my husband has and I can't call in to get some rest so that I can get over this stuff. If I call in again, I won't have a job anymore. I need to get some meds for it but I can't afford the dr. bill. Oh well, I am not supposed to take care of my family, I am supposed to only take care of other people's family members. Mine to mean a thing to anyone. I am so ready to find another job. I have been at the job for 5 months now. This is the longest professional job I have ever had. I don't need to mess it up by quitting right now. I just don't know how much longer I can put up with the BS up there. The dept. I work in is totally neglected. We can call the nurse to ask her to come back and check about a resident. She won't show up. I feel that we can tell her that a resident is having difficulty breathing and she is just going to say keep an eye on that person. I'm sorry but if it is during business hours, she should come back and check. There is always going to be paperwork. I don't care if she works 24 hours a day 7 days a week. The paperwork is still going to be piled up for her. But it is about that time for my employer to start treating me like crap. I don't usually stick around long after that. I generally start looking for another job. I go out with hope that I will find a place that I fit in. I am so tired of feeling like an outcast. I know that I am not the best looking person in the world, and maybe it is better to have me behind closed doors where the freak can't be seen by too many people. But I do have a heart and I don't like what is going on with my job right now. I feel that the residents are being mistreated, not just by the aides, but also by the business staff. That is just my opinion though. I might even get hit with a libel charge but so be it. I am entitled to my own opinions. That is what the Constitution says. But we can't go by that anymore, either. So what do you do? Just let things go and watch as things get done wrong? How do you change the situation? I know that if you don't like the situation, to change it. I sometimes feel that I am trying to save the world one life at a time, and I am wearing myself thin. Oh well, didn't you hear, I'm supposed to be a robot. I work doubles, come in on my days off, and for what? I can't get a break. Anyways, enough ranting and raving. I can barely keep my eyes open and so I am going to go to bed. I know it is only a quarter after 8 pm, but when you get your sleep schedule changed for you, you tend to get sleepy earlier. Good night.

Why?

Why is it that people seem to get sick when you can't afford to pay the bills. I don't know how to make ends meet. I am afraid that if my husband has to be admitted or take any time from work he will lose his job. If he loses his job, he will have to spend 180 days in jail because the District Judge knows how he is about keeping jobs. He will keep a job for a short amount of time before he quits or gets fired. That is why he will have to serve an automatic 180 days. The judge is tired of having to deal with him not paying his child support. I am tired of him not paying his child support. Now granted I don't wish anything bad to happen to him. I don't wish for him to be sick. I don't wish for him to lose his job. I just wish that he would really man up and do what he has to do as a husband and a father. I mean the man does have 7 kids total. 6 girls and 1 boy. Ages range from 21 to 2. He has 2 grandsons and a granddaughter on the way. I am thrilled about that. I'm just not thrilled about haveing grandkids at 26 years old. My oldest step-daughter and I are 5 years apart. That is a little weird for me. But here it is right in the middle of pay periods and I don't have the funds to pay another medical bill. I am supposed to be paying one that is over 3000 bucks. I just don't have that kind of money. Not when I am paying for daycare out of pocket and the total cost for the daycare is $980.00 a month. I mean I don't make that much money. I am hoping that DHS will help me pay for this. I am sure there will be a copay but it shouldn't be that costly. I am figuring a couple hundred dollars. I can almost afford that. But because of the out of pocket expense, I have had to neglet a couple of utility bills. I am just hoping that I can get my taxes filed before too much longer and get the expenses paid up as best as I can.

I can only do so much as one person. My paycheck will only go so far. I am sick of being married to a stranger. Husband told me the other night that he felt like we are more roommates than a married couple. I understand how he feels. I feel the same way. I was more honest with him while he was in OKC than I have ever been talking to him face to face. Maybe it was because I didn't have to see the expression on his face. I mean I do feel guilty because of the feelings I do have about him. I went to the club last night and I felt guilty for being there without him. However, it is against the rules of his job to be at the bar. The jailers for MCDC are not allowed to be at any of the clubs in the county. They can go to the casino but if they get caught drinking while gambling, they will be terminated on the spot.

I just found out that he won't be terminated for missing a day. That is a plus. I am so glad that his son had my husbands supervisors number and called to tell the supervisor what is going on. That is it for now. I am going to get ready to go to the ER to find out what is going.

Need to vent

I am so new to this blogging thing. I just need to vent for a minute. I have been married to this man who is 16 years my elder. We have been married for 4 and a half years and have 3 kids together. However, my reason to vent is I am finding out that my dear husband has supposedly attempted to cheat on me more than once. He can't keep a job for more than a week or a couple of months. I have been trying to support my family alone with no help from him. The only thing that he has really done to be of help is when he isn't working he has kept me from having to pay a daycare. Now he has a job working for the local jail. He is being friendly with the inmates and that is really frowned upon. He is going to end up losing his job because of that. If he does lose his job he will be arrested and spend 180 days in the county jail that he was employed to. He is a great father for our kids but he isn't exactly the best at being a husband or a provider. I am only a CNA and I don't make that much money. After paying the daycare, I don't have enough money to pay my bills. I know that I need to sit down and have a talk with my husband, however, I have tried that in the past to no avail. He totally ignores anything I say. It is to the point that I ask myself if I love him. I will have to be honest here and say yes. I do love him but I don't think I am IN love with him. All I feel like I am good for is a paycheck and I also feel that I am enabling him to be a looser. I think he would honestly prefer to be a stay at home dad. I just don't know what to do anymore. He is telling a friend of ours (who is incarcerated at this time) that he went and spent 2 days in OKC with his wife. Now, how could anyone with any qualms about them tell someone they refer to as their best friend that he spent some time at his apartment with his wife. Sorry but that is kind of shitty.

Now to the best part. My friend came in from OKC to see her husband and try to calm him down after what my husband has done. After visitation, we had plans to go to the bar and get out and do something that we wanted to do for a while and have a girls night out. All I do is work and come home. All she does is work and goes home. Well, after I told my husband that I was going out with my friend, he got upset with me. I couldn't help but ask him what is so different about me going to a dance club and him going to a casino and spending the last little bit of money we have, or going to a strip club and watching other women dance on poles. He told me there was a big difference. So basically what is good for the goose isn't good for the gander. I went ahead and went to the bar anyway. After arriving at the bar and sitting there for a couple of hours (if that long) I see my sister-in-law walk past. A few minutes later, I was making my way to the ladies room when I got a poke on my arm and it was my husbands brother. So now I know that hubby wasn't happy about me going, but could he have called to see if his brother would show up out there to check up on me, or could it be totally coincidental? I don't know. I think it may be luck of the draw. But I had nothing to worry about really. I wasn't out there to try to meet other men. I was out to have a good time with a friend. I just need get this out there and off my chest. I know what I need to do but I am finding it hard to find the words to tell him that he needs to go on and find someone else that can handle putting up with this crap of his. Well, I am going to leave it here for now. I will update as soon as I can.