No good deed goes

Unpunished. I am such a lousy person. I went over to my great-grandmother's house today. She did some crying, I did some crying. But for some reason, I still feel like a horrible person. I don't get over there enough and she only live 3 blocks from my house. Part of my problem is that when I go there I keep expecting to see my grandpa sitting in his chair reading a book about cats that are dectives. When I am there, I remember back to when I was a kid and my great grandma would chase my sister and me up the stairs to the attic and we would play house, or we would go into her art room and draw and paint. Then I have to remember to come back to reality and see my grandmother as a frail 94 year old woman, who can't chase my sister and me up the stairs anymore. She was telling me the stories about how my grandpa was a preemie when he was born. That his mother warned her to take care of him because he was such a small man. She told me that when they got together, he only weighed 112 pounds. There is just so much that Mike's passing has made me realize. Life is too short to not make that visit to the one's you love. I need to make a better attempt to get my kids to see my great grandmother. I know I don't have much longer to see her. I know that she will always be with me. But, I'm not ready to let go. I miss my grandpa. I miss my brother in law. It was always a treat for Mike to show up out of the blue. Why do these things have to happen? Why is there a such thing as murder. Death I can deal with. But untimely death? What the hell? This is so not fair. My husband is really not doing good at all with this. He is starting to not eat. He isn't sleeping well at all. Me on the other hand. I seem to crash. I feel that my body just shuts down. I don't even dream anymore. I am exhausted and stressed out. I can't stand all this sadness. I can't stand all this anger. I don't know what to do to make Bobby feel like he is important. I know that my family doesn't really care for Bobby, however, he didn't deserve to have his little brother taken from him. But I need to get. We have neglected the laundry and I need to get my work clothes in the dryer before I go to bed. I am going to deal with life as best I can. But for now, live life to the fullest and my favorite "prepare for the worst and hope for the best."
Mike, please take care of your family the best way you can. You are in a better place now and I know you are happy. We might be sad about losing you physically. We won't see your grin or the blue eyes that we love so much. But we will still have you through Megan, Hailey, and Slade. They miss you so much already as we all do. We never know what we have until it is gone. I am just so glad that Bobby got to talk to you before you had to leave. He loves you more than words can say. My girls love you and miss you too. But until we meet again, we love you.

He didn't deserve this....

My brother in law Mike Cobb was found dead in his home in Pryor, Oklahoma. He left behind 3 beautiful children, Megan, Hailey, and Slade. Megan is 17 years old and lost her mother 2 years ago. Hailey and Slade are 6. Those two worshipped the ground their daddy walked on. Where ever Mike was you would find Slade not too far behind. Mike also coached the twins ball teams. There is just something very suspicious about this whole ordeal. Mike was found in between his bed room and living room. The house was fully ingulfed in flames. The neighbors said that they think they heard a gun shot, and then an explosion. That was when 911 was called. The first report to the VFD was an explosion, then the second call came in to report that the house was on fire. My husband (Mike's oldest brother) had talked to Mike over the phone earlier that day. Mike called out of the blue to check on us. There is so much to sort through. I just can't believe that someone would take Mike away from his family like that. Bobby is holding up pretty well at the moment. He says that it has sunk in that his little brother is no longer with us physically, but I don't think it has. But Bobby has always greived a little bit differently. I am a little worried about leaving Bobby alone right now. He is so angry right now that I am afraid that he will lose his temper to the point of hurting himself. He would not be thrilled to know that I said that. So we will keep this between us. I just can't understand why someone would want to murder Mike. He was such a kind and generous man. He would do anything for you and even give you the shirt off his back. He was a hard worker and excellent provider for his family. He took such good care of his wife and family. Why would she feel the need to cheat on him? She was supposedly in Tulsa with the twins and her boyfriend at the time of the fire. There is nothing left of the house. It was burned all the way down to the foundation. The forensics team was brought in and even brought the K-9 out to sniff out anything that might be relevant. I just hope that we can get some answers. There is something about all of this that just doesn't add up. Well, time to get. Need to get to bed a little earlier than 3 am.

Well....

I just got finished reading an excellent series of books. Sure you've heard of 'em. The Twilight Saga. Awsome!!!! The author was able to paint pictures for me with just words alone. It takes a lot to get me engrossed in a book, but this author had what it took. It was almost like I had become a character in the book. I love when that happens. It is my escape from the everyday conundrum of life. (Wow, I used a big word.) Anyways, the story line was able to be compared to a large part of my life in reality. Edward portraying the man I want to be with, and Jacob portraying a couple of men in my life, past and present. If you really know me you know who I am talking about. It really makes sense if you have read the book. I am so jealous of the women who have their Edwards. While I am stuck with my Jacob. I WANT MY EDWARD!!! I just don't know how to go about getting him back. Robyn, my Jacob is Bobby now, and if it would have been 5 years ago my Jacob would have been Bulldog. But my Edward has and always will be Floyd. Does that make sense. I'm crazy I know, and I should probably be committed. Oh well, that's what happens when you are in love with a man who doesn't exist. Talking about the Edward in the book. Well, anywas this is getting to be really sappy and really doesn't mean anything to anyone but me. I am going to get away from this keyboard and see what I can do about getting a few girls to lay down and take a nap. Here it is already 3 pm and they haven't had a nap at all today. Maybe then I can get a little house work done before the girls dad gets home.

Do I...

Care anymore about the BS that has been going on in my life. YES!!!! I am so tired of having to worry about things that I shouldn't have to worry about alone. My husband should have always had the same sense of responsibility. I don't think he is going to have this job much longer. I will be suprised if he doesn't do something to screw it up and get fired or something. If he does then I am done with him for sure. I will have his stuff packed and he will be out of MY life. He will be able to see the kids when he can but I am not going to put up with the crap anymore. I have already told him to that I don't want to be married to him and that I don't know what my feelings are for him. He still didn't leave. Now for some reason, his ex-girlfriend is telling one of his oldest daughters that he is moving to the old apartment complex that he was living in when I met him. And also that when he goes to court next time he is going to try to get custody of their daughter that they have together. I don't think I can deal with three 4 year olds and a 3 year old. I can barely deal with my own kids much less add someone elses too. He doesn't care about that. He is only wanting to get custody of this kid so that he won't have to pay her child support anymore. Well, I got news for him. If he goes after full custody of this kid, he will be taking care of her on his own. I am not going to be there to support a 5th kid. I can't afford that. I am barely getting by as it is. I had to call my grandparents for help on a couple of bills that I was short taking care of this go round. I shouldn't have had to do that. I should have been able to handle those bills on my own. I haven't had any help from my husband for the last 5 months, and I haven't had to ask for help until 2 days ago. Where does that add up? If I knew, I wouldn't have to ask that question.

Heart to Heart

Well, I had the heart to heart talk with my hubby. It didn't seem to do any good. I told him that I don't want to be married to him anymore and that I don't know if I even love him. I honestly don't know that I ever have. I told him that. He didn't seem to hear it. I know that it was harsh, but he just won't go away. I am needing some space. Now granted, the jail switched his schedule so now we don't have any days off at the same time. So the need for space shouldn't be an issue. I am just ready to get on my own and do the things that I want to do without having to answer to anyone. I feel like I am always having to explain myself. Husbby only wants to listen to what I have to say when it concerns him, or it has to do with something negative about my job. He doesn't want to hear that my boss gave me a compliment on the way that I answer the business phone. That is something that doesn't involve me about to lose my job. I am just so sick of dealing with all the BS that I have to deal with. I don't want it anymore. Well, I am repeating myself and my entries are getting boring. I will post again when I have something interesting to say.

What's the point?

What's the point in even trying anymore? I am so sick of working my butt off at my job and then trying to keep a marriage together with someone who doesn't care about me. He doesn't even care a little bit. All husband wants to do is talk about himself and how his day went. He doesn't give a crap about how my day went, or how I feel about anything. Just like this morning we took the kids to my grandparents for the day. I didn't get to visit with them at all because all husband did was talk about what has been going on with him. I can't say anything on here except that it is a legal matter now and if any info gets out they could put me in prison too. It is not fair at all that I feel that I am being dragged through the dirt. I just want to crawl in a hole and get away from it all. I don't know what to do anymore. I am fed up and I can't take anymore shit off of anyone. I put up with a lot of bs at work and then I come home and have to compete with a television. I have to compete with wrestling stars because they are more interesting than I am. I don't want to be somewhere that I'm not wanted. I just don't understand. I guess I'm not supposed to. I am just ready to be able to be the person I am not who others want me to be. I like to go to bars, have a couple of drinks, and maybe dance a couple of dances. Well, I totally understand that with my husbands job, the bars are off limits to him. But they aren't for me. I am not much on gambling because if I am going to spend 20 bucks then I am going to spend it on something that I enjoy doing. Husband asked me this morning what is wrong with me. I just told him that I don't feel good. He said that he could see that, but it seemed like I wasn't happy with him. I just told him that nothing was wrong, absolutly nothing. He said I know your lying to me. I said yeah, I'm lying but I'm not going to talk about it. He doesn't want to hear anything that I have to say anyother time so why would this morning be any different.
I miss my ex though. When he and I were together, I could talk about anything and he would just listen. He never interrupted me or anything, unless it was to give me a hug and calm me down. Husband doesn't do that. He just sits there and tunes me out. I just want to be happy. And in this situation, I'm not happy at all. I should have never let him come back home. Oh well, life's a bitch sometimes.

Here we go again...

Today was a pretty crappy day at work. I was there sicker than a dog with a cold and allergy issues all at the same time. I needed to call in today but that wouldn't have went over well at all. I would have lost my job for sure if I did that. I am so fed up with this place it isn't even funny. I just have a hard time dealing with the fact that we don't have the equipment that we need to get our job done right. We need a wheelchair scale, some gerichairs, a feeding table and all the things that you would need in a nursing home. Then I found out that there is a managment company that is coming in to reorganize the company I work for. That is a good thing I guess. I mean we need new carpet, possibly a new roof, and other repairs that we can't afford because the big wigs were putting the money in their pockets and buying more businesses instead of putting money back into the ones they already have. It was to the point that they were going to have to file bankruptcy. If that ends up being the case then, unless someone buys out the company, I will probably be jobless again. I can't afford that. I am so freaking tired of being broke. I work my tail off for this company and they are the ones going under. I just wish I knew what was going on with my boss. I did get a compliment earlier. Darcy, my administrator, called up to the workplace, and I answered the phone with the appropriate greeting. As I was getting ready to put her on hold and transfer her call to the appropriate person, she told me that she liked the way I answered the phone. The med aide that I work with says I'm not sweet sounding enough when I answer. However, unlike her I don't sound exasperated all the time. She always sounds like she has better things to do than answer a phone. Yes, we do get a little busy and it really seems like we are the only ones who are answering the phones but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I just needed to get that out of my system.