Do I...

Care anymore about the BS that has been going on in my life. YES!!!! I am so tired of having to worry about things that I shouldn't have to worry about alone. My husband should have always had the same sense of responsibility. I don't think he is going to have this job much longer. I will be suprised if he doesn't do something to screw it up and get fired or something. If he does then I am done with him for sure. I will have his stuff packed and he will be out of MY life. He will be able to see the kids when he can but I am not going to put up with the crap anymore. I have already told him to that I don't want to be married to him and that I don't know what my feelings are for him. He still didn't leave. Now for some reason, his ex-girlfriend is telling one of his oldest daughters that he is moving to the old apartment complex that he was living in when I met him. And also that when he goes to court next time he is going to try to get custody of their daughter that they have together. I don't think I can deal with three 4 year olds and a 3 year old. I can barely deal with my own kids much less add someone elses too. He doesn't care about that. He is only wanting to get custody of this kid so that he won't have to pay her child support anymore. Well, I got news for him. If he goes after full custody of this kid, he will be taking care of her on his own. I am not going to be there to support a 5th kid. I can't afford that. I am barely getting by as it is. I had to call my grandparents for help on a couple of bills that I was short taking care of this go round. I shouldn't have had to do that. I should have been able to handle those bills on my own. I haven't had any help from my husband for the last 5 months, and I haven't had to ask for help until 2 days ago. Where does that add up? If I knew, I wouldn't have to ask that question.

Heart to Heart

Well, I had the heart to heart talk with my hubby. It didn't seem to do any good. I told him that I don't want to be married to him anymore and that I don't know if I even love him. I honestly don't know that I ever have. I told him that. He didn't seem to hear it. I know that it was harsh, but he just won't go away. I am needing some space. Now granted, the jail switched his schedule so now we don't have any days off at the same time. So the need for space shouldn't be an issue. I am just ready to get on my own and do the things that I want to do without having to answer to anyone. I feel like I am always having to explain myself. Husbby only wants to listen to what I have to say when it concerns him, or it has to do with something negative about my job. He doesn't want to hear that my boss gave me a compliment on the way that I answer the business phone. That is something that doesn't involve me about to lose my job. I am just so sick of dealing with all the BS that I have to deal with. I don't want it anymore. Well, I am repeating myself and my entries are getting boring. I will post again when I have something interesting to say.

What's the point?

What's the point in even trying anymore? I am so sick of working my butt off at my job and then trying to keep a marriage together with someone who doesn't care about me. He doesn't even care a little bit. All husband wants to do is talk about himself and how his day went. He doesn't give a crap about how my day went, or how I feel about anything. Just like this morning we took the kids to my grandparents for the day. I didn't get to visit with them at all because all husband did was talk about what has been going on with him. I can't say anything on here except that it is a legal matter now and if any info gets out they could put me in prison too. It is not fair at all that I feel that I am being dragged through the dirt. I just want to crawl in a hole and get away from it all. I don't know what to do anymore. I am fed up and I can't take anymore shit off of anyone. I put up with a lot of bs at work and then I come home and have to compete with a television. I have to compete with wrestling stars because they are more interesting than I am. I don't want to be somewhere that I'm not wanted. I just don't understand. I guess I'm not supposed to. I am just ready to be able to be the person I am not who others want me to be. I like to go to bars, have a couple of drinks, and maybe dance a couple of dances. Well, I totally understand that with my husbands job, the bars are off limits to him. But they aren't for me. I am not much on gambling because if I am going to spend 20 bucks then I am going to spend it on something that I enjoy doing. Husband asked me this morning what is wrong with me. I just told him that I don't feel good. He said that he could see that, but it seemed like I wasn't happy with him. I just told him that nothing was wrong, absolutly nothing. He said I know your lying to me. I said yeah, I'm lying but I'm not going to talk about it. He doesn't want to hear anything that I have to say anyother time so why would this morning be any different.
I miss my ex though. When he and I were together, I could talk about anything and he would just listen. He never interrupted me or anything, unless it was to give me a hug and calm me down. Husband doesn't do that. He just sits there and tunes me out. I just want to be happy. And in this situation, I'm not happy at all. I should have never let him come back home. Oh well, life's a bitch sometimes.

Here we go again...

Today was a pretty crappy day at work. I was there sicker than a dog with a cold and allergy issues all at the same time. I needed to call in today but that wouldn't have went over well at all. I would have lost my job for sure if I did that. I am so fed up with this place it isn't even funny. I just have a hard time dealing with the fact that we don't have the equipment that we need to get our job done right. We need a wheelchair scale, some gerichairs, a feeding table and all the things that you would need in a nursing home. Then I found out that there is a managment company that is coming in to reorganize the company I work for. That is a good thing I guess. I mean we need new carpet, possibly a new roof, and other repairs that we can't afford because the big wigs were putting the money in their pockets and buying more businesses instead of putting money back into the ones they already have. It was to the point that they were going to have to file bankruptcy. If that ends up being the case then, unless someone buys out the company, I will probably be jobless again. I can't afford that. I am so freaking tired of being broke. I work my tail off for this company and they are the ones going under. I just wish I knew what was going on with my boss. I did get a compliment earlier. Darcy, my administrator, called up to the workplace, and I answered the phone with the appropriate greeting. As I was getting ready to put her on hold and transfer her call to the appropriate person, she told me that she liked the way I answered the phone. The med aide that I work with says I'm not sweet sounding enough when I answer. However, unlike her I don't sound exasperated all the time. She always sounds like she has better things to do than answer a phone. Yes, we do get a little busy and it really seems like we are the only ones who are answering the phones but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I just needed to get that out of my system.

What would you do?

What would you do if you find that you might be without a job? What if your job gets bought out by another company, and they might want to bring in new employees? I am so sick of this day. I am ready for it to be totally over. I am so sick of life sometimes. I am so tired of having to work my butt off for a boss who does appreciate it. I am not looking for recognition. I am only looking for the same respect I give to my boss. I had to call in 3 different days during the ice storm of 2009. Two of those days the daycare was closed, and one day the daycare wouldn't let my oldest daughter stay because she was sick. My boss was so mad at me. I am suprised that I still have a job. I figured that I would have gotten fired today because of last week. Anyone else can call in and their jobs are safe but now mine is on the line. How is that fair? Last time I checked it's not. Now I am catching the same crap that my husband has and I can't call in to get some rest so that I can get over this stuff. If I call in again, I won't have a job anymore. I need to get some meds for it but I can't afford the dr. bill. Oh well, I am not supposed to take care of my family, I am supposed to only take care of other people's family members. Mine to mean a thing to anyone. I am so ready to find another job. I have been at the job for 5 months now. This is the longest professional job I have ever had. I don't need to mess it up by quitting right now. I just don't know how much longer I can put up with the BS up there. The dept. I work in is totally neglected. We can call the nurse to ask her to come back and check about a resident. She won't show up. I feel that we can tell her that a resident is having difficulty breathing and she is just going to say keep an eye on that person. I'm sorry but if it is during business hours, she should come back and check. There is always going to be paperwork. I don't care if she works 24 hours a day 7 days a week. The paperwork is still going to be piled up for her. But it is about that time for my employer to start treating me like crap. I don't usually stick around long after that. I generally start looking for another job. I go out with hope that I will find a place that I fit in. I am so tired of feeling like an outcast. I know that I am not the best looking person in the world, and maybe it is better to have me behind closed doors where the freak can't be seen by too many people. But I do have a heart and I don't like what is going on with my job right now. I feel that the residents are being mistreated, not just by the aides, but also by the business staff. That is just my opinion though. I might even get hit with a libel charge but so be it. I am entitled to my own opinions. That is what the Constitution says. But we can't go by that anymore, either. So what do you do? Just let things go and watch as things get done wrong? How do you change the situation? I know that if you don't like the situation, to change it. I sometimes feel that I am trying to save the world one life at a time, and I am wearing myself thin. Oh well, didn't you hear, I'm supposed to be a robot. I work doubles, come in on my days off, and for what? I can't get a break. Anyways, enough ranting and raving. I can barely keep my eyes open and so I am going to go to bed. I know it is only a quarter after 8 pm, but when you get your sleep schedule changed for you, you tend to get sleepy earlier. Good night.

Why?

Why is it that people seem to get sick when you can't afford to pay the bills. I don't know how to make ends meet. I am afraid that if my husband has to be admitted or take any time from work he will lose his job. If he loses his job, he will have to spend 180 days in jail because the District Judge knows how he is about keeping jobs. He will keep a job for a short amount of time before he quits or gets fired. That is why he will have to serve an automatic 180 days. The judge is tired of having to deal with him not paying his child support. I am tired of him not paying his child support. Now granted I don't wish anything bad to happen to him. I don't wish for him to be sick. I don't wish for him to lose his job. I just wish that he would really man up and do what he has to do as a husband and a father. I mean the man does have 7 kids total. 6 girls and 1 boy. Ages range from 21 to 2. He has 2 grandsons and a granddaughter on the way. I am thrilled about that. I'm just not thrilled about haveing grandkids at 26 years old. My oldest step-daughter and I are 5 years apart. That is a little weird for me. But here it is right in the middle of pay periods and I don't have the funds to pay another medical bill. I am supposed to be paying one that is over 3000 bucks. I just don't have that kind of money. Not when I am paying for daycare out of pocket and the total cost for the daycare is $980.00 a month. I mean I don't make that much money. I am hoping that DHS will help me pay for this. I am sure there will be a copay but it shouldn't be that costly. I am figuring a couple hundred dollars. I can almost afford that. But because of the out of pocket expense, I have had to neglet a couple of utility bills. I am just hoping that I can get my taxes filed before too much longer and get the expenses paid up as best as I can.

I can only do so much as one person. My paycheck will only go so far. I am sick of being married to a stranger. Husband told me the other night that he felt like we are more roommates than a married couple. I understand how he feels. I feel the same way. I was more honest with him while he was in OKC than I have ever been talking to him face to face. Maybe it was because I didn't have to see the expression on his face. I mean I do feel guilty because of the feelings I do have about him. I went to the club last night and I felt guilty for being there without him. However, it is against the rules of his job to be at the bar. The jailers for MCDC are not allowed to be at any of the clubs in the county. They can go to the casino but if they get caught drinking while gambling, they will be terminated on the spot.

I just found out that he won't be terminated for missing a day. That is a plus. I am so glad that his son had my husbands supervisors number and called to tell the supervisor what is going on. That is it for now. I am going to get ready to go to the ER to find out what is going.

Need to vent

I am so new to this blogging thing. I just need to vent for a minute. I have been married to this man who is 16 years my elder. We have been married for 4 and a half years and have 3 kids together. However, my reason to vent is I am finding out that my dear husband has supposedly attempted to cheat on me more than once. He can't keep a job for more than a week or a couple of months. I have been trying to support my family alone with no help from him. The only thing that he has really done to be of help is when he isn't working he has kept me from having to pay a daycare. Now he has a job working for the local jail. He is being friendly with the inmates and that is really frowned upon. He is going to end up losing his job because of that. If he does lose his job he will be arrested and spend 180 days in the county jail that he was employed to. He is a great father for our kids but he isn't exactly the best at being a husband or a provider. I am only a CNA and I don't make that much money. After paying the daycare, I don't have enough money to pay my bills. I know that I need to sit down and have a talk with my husband, however, I have tried that in the past to no avail. He totally ignores anything I say. It is to the point that I ask myself if I love him. I will have to be honest here and say yes. I do love him but I don't think I am IN love with him. All I feel like I am good for is a paycheck and I also feel that I am enabling him to be a looser. I think he would honestly prefer to be a stay at home dad. I just don't know what to do anymore. He is telling a friend of ours (who is incarcerated at this time) that he went and spent 2 days in OKC with his wife. Now, how could anyone with any qualms about them tell someone they refer to as their best friend that he spent some time at his apartment with his wife. Sorry but that is kind of shitty.

Now to the best part. My friend came in from OKC to see her husband and try to calm him down after what my husband has done. After visitation, we had plans to go to the bar and get out and do something that we wanted to do for a while and have a girls night out. All I do is work and come home. All she does is work and goes home. Well, after I told my husband that I was going out with my friend, he got upset with me. I couldn't help but ask him what is so different about me going to a dance club and him going to a casino and spending the last little bit of money we have, or going to a strip club and watching other women dance on poles. He told me there was a big difference. So basically what is good for the goose isn't good for the gander. I went ahead and went to the bar anyway. After arriving at the bar and sitting there for a couple of hours (if that long) I see my sister-in-law walk past. A few minutes later, I was making my way to the ladies room when I got a poke on my arm and it was my husbands brother. So now I know that hubby wasn't happy about me going, but could he have called to see if his brother would show up out there to check up on me, or could it be totally coincidental? I don't know. I think it may be luck of the draw. But I had nothing to worry about really. I wasn't out there to try to meet other men. I was out to have a good time with a friend. I just need get this out there and off my chest. I know what I need to do but I am finding it hard to find the words to tell him that he needs to go on and find someone else that can handle putting up with this crap of his. Well, I am going to leave it here for now. I will update as soon as I can.